VOTING FRENZY

As we all know by now, there was a bit of a snag in the first day of voting in the GSBM elections yesterday.

“Oh brother, we had a bunch of problems this year”, an anonymous source told Fly On The Wall. “When we opened up the voting to the second year students there was a computer glitch and we accidentally opened up the voting to *all* of the second year students--all the way back to the class of 1979!”

“But ya know, we were willing to look past this little gaffe. I mean, the more people that vote the more democratic the process, right?”

“For the first few hours we were all patting ourselves on the back: voter turnout was through the roof! But then some quant guy spoiled the party for everyone. Something about the 150,000 ballots received in the first six hours being roughly four times the size of the entire Pepperdine Alumni network. It was pretty obvious some folks had gone Chicago Style on us and were voting early and often.”

“But then came the worst part: we started counting the votes and Sanjaya Malakar was winning!”

“So much for the honor code.”

For those who are not in the know, voting repeatedly, and/or casting proxy votes for pets (dogs, cats, birds, rocks, etc.), friends (real or imaginary), or relatives (living or deceased) is generally frowned upon.

Voting resumes today, and all students of the GSBM are encouraged to re-cast their one vote if they have not already done so.

PUBLIC NOTICE

As discussed in Tuesday’s Candidate Q&A Forum in L1, students are advised to be on the lookout for the nefarious character operating under the alias of “Pepgossipboy”. Reported to be a student, this individual is armed with a wit that has been called sharp by some, and quite dull by others. A habitual offender, he is alleged to have engaged in a rampage of repeated acts of satire and random humor for the past three months.

While it is not known for certain what started him on this path that has wrought unspeakable shame, despair and misery upon the GSBM, experts believe this writing mania was brought on by the severe trauma that arose from his exposure to a stupendously poorly written GSBM gossip blog late last year. Appalled by the banality, boorishness and plain old bad writing (purportedly by a graduate student), he felt he had no choice but to write his own blog in a twisted attempt to restore the dignity of the GSBM and send the message that some students still know how to write.

While the suspect may have been operating under the misguided belief that he was being humorous, the reactions of several candidates in L1 make it clear that funny behavior should be strictly curtailed in the future and similar instances of free speech must be severely punished. Failure to do so will certainly lead to the downfall of Western civilization and undoubtedly cause Pepperdine to be dragged down much in the same way that Harvard was ruined by the Harvard Lampoon.

Hats off to the brave candidates who have made this stance a main pillar to their platforms!

Should students encounter any material written by the suspect, under no circumstances should it be read, discussed, or (heavens forbid) laughed at in any way, shape or form.

It is strongly advised that students redouble their efforts to take themselves much too seriously in order to survive this difficult time.

It is unknown at this time which candidate the suspect will be voting for.