Proven to be just as accurate and reliable as the largest Wall Street investment houses! Each unit comes with three precision crafted stock picking tools.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 12
PROFESSOR FREDERICK'S SCIENTIFIC STOCK PICKER
Proven to be just as accurate and reliable as the largest Wall Street investment houses! Each unit comes with three precision crafted stock picking tools.
Proven to be just as accurate and reliable as the largest Wall Street investment houses! Each unit comes with three precision crafted stock picking tools.
Friday, December 21, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 11.5
HELLO KITTY LEGAL PADS
The law may be blind, but it should never be out of style! Be the talk of the classroom or the courtroom. A perennial Professor Weisdorn favorite, these tabby tablets are always good for a few extra class participation points in Business Law.
The law may be blind, but it should never be out of style! Be the talk of the classroom or the courtroom. A perennial Professor Weisdorn favorite, these tabby tablets are always good for a few extra class participation points in Business Law.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 11
MICHAEL’S MANY HATS
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Always be in style with this extensive hat collection, featuring headpieces for every occasion! Hat rack extra.
Always be in style with this extensive hat collection, featuring headpieces for every occasion! Hat rack extra.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 10
HEATHER BUCHHOLZ'S BUCKET OF CANDY
The perfect stocking stuffer! Just what the hungry student needs to get through a four hour class! Made from the finest galvanized steel, the 40 gallon bucket is reusable and holds approximately 85 lbs of candy. Refills available.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 9
LAND OF THE BRE POSTER
Another *must* buy! Printed in the old school tradition of Eastern European planned economies and South American military juntas, this poster will soon be seen in all public places of gathering as well as required in all private dwellings. Get yours now to avoid a negative quarterly review by Presidentita For Life Bre’s surprise quality control squad!
Another *must* buy! Printed in the old school tradition of Eastern European planned economies and South American military juntas, this poster will soon be seen in all public places of gathering as well as required in all private dwellings. Get yours now to avoid a negative quarterly review by Presidentita For Life Bre’s surprise quality control squad!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 8
ZACH’S GUIDE TO PUBLIC SPEAKING
Improve your public speaking ability with handy how-to manual authored by Zach Pond.
Chapter titles include: “Everybody Shut Up”, “Screaming For Effect”, “Grab ‘Em By The Throat” and “Making Intimidation Work For You”.
SPECIAL OFFER: First 50 orders receive bonus chapters “The Art Non-Verbal Conversation” and “Everyone Listens To The Man With The Gun.”
Improve your public speaking ability with handy how-to manual authored by Zach Pond.Chapter titles include: “Everybody Shut Up”, “Screaming For Effect”, “Grab ‘Em By The Throat” and “Making Intimidation Work For You”.
SPECIAL OFFER: First 50 orders receive bonus chapters “The Art Non-Verbal Conversation” and “Everyone Listens To The Man With The Gun.”
Monday, December 17, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 7
GIAPET
Experience memories of Business Law and watching grass grow!
.
THE WEISDORN CHRONICLES
An anonymous source has contacted Fly On The Wall with yet another bizarre story about Professor Gia Weisdorn. It appears that our favorite law professor is very much in the holiday shopping spirit. But as for what she is going to do with all of her purchases…well…the jury is still out on that one.
The source, calling himself “White Bread,” related the following story.
“So I’m back working at Best Buy for the holiday break, you know, just a bit of back office work for a few weeks. Anyway, the floor manager comes into the office talking about this lady who is buying DVD’s like crazy. She has this big list and she’s not just buying one of each, she’s buying *all* the DVD’s we have of each title: Catwoman, Josie and the Pussycats, That Darn Cat, The Cat From Outer Space, Felix The Cat, everything cat related.”
“Right then I had a bad feeling I knew who our mystery shopper was, but I was afraid to look. If she saw me things could be really awkward, you know? I mean, what would I do if she asked for a discount?”
“So I check the closed circuit TV, and yep, it’s Professor Weisdorn. She’s running through the store like a woman possessed: two filled carts and she’s still sweeping up DVD’s by the armload. She was like a tornado, leaving empty shelves everywhere in her wake. It was crazy.”
“It was like she was in a mad rush to get out of there…like she didn’t want anyone to see her.”
Sensing the severity of the situation, Mr. Bread took action.
“I sent the floor manager back onto the floor with orders to give Professor Weisdorn whatever she wanted. Then I called the stockroom and told them to pull *all* the cat related DVD’s we had back there. This was our big chance to unload all those Garfield videos.”
“It was amazing. She cleaned us out. She even bought all the Austin Powers movies…I totally forgot about Dr. Evil’s cat. I’m astounded. Nothing gets past her.”
“In the end, I had to give the floor manager the rest of the day off. Trying to keep up with Professor Weisdorn had him frazzled, but stuffing 900 DVDs into the Porsche, well, that broke him. Poor guy.”
When asked if he had any idea who Professor Weisdorn was buying all those DVDs for, source W.B. could only shake his head and reply in a hushed tone. “I have no idea…and I’m not sure I want to know… All I know for sure is she shattered my floor manager and a left my store a shambles.”
“But it could have been worse,” he reflected. “She could have wanted them gift wrapped.”
The source, calling himself “White Bread,” related the following story.
“So I’m back working at Best Buy for the holiday break, you know, just a bit of back office work for a few weeks. Anyway, the floor manager comes into the office talking about this lady who is buying DVD’s like crazy. She has this big list and she’s not just buying one of each, she’s buying *all* the DVD’s we have of each title: Catwoman, Josie and the Pussycats, That Darn Cat, The Cat From Outer Space, Felix The Cat, everything cat related.”“Right then I had a bad feeling I knew who our mystery shopper was, but I was afraid to look. If she saw me things could be really awkward, you know? I mean, what would I do if she asked for a discount?”
“So I check the closed circuit TV, and yep, it’s Professor Weisdorn. She’s running through the store like a woman possessed: two filled carts and she’s still sweeping up DVD’s by the armload. She was like a tornado, leaving empty shelves everywhere in her wake. It was crazy.”
“It was like she was in a mad rush to get out of there…like she didn’t want anyone to see her.”
Sensing the severity of the situation, Mr. Bread took action.
“I sent the floor manager back onto the floor with orders to give Professor Weisdorn whatever she wanted. Then I called the stockroom and told them to pull *all* the cat related DVD’s we had back there. This was our big chance to unload all those Garfield videos.”
“It was amazing. She cleaned us out. She even bought all the Austin Powers movies…I totally forgot about Dr. Evil’s cat. I’m astounded. Nothing gets past her.”
“In the end, I had to give the floor manager the rest of the day off. Trying to keep up with Professor Weisdorn had him frazzled, but stuffing 900 DVDs into the Porsche, well, that broke him. Poor guy.”
When asked if he had any idea who Professor Weisdorn was buying all those DVDs for, source W.B. could only shake his head and reply in a hushed tone. “I have no idea…and I’m not sure I want to know… All I know for sure is she shattered my floor manager and a left my store a shambles.”
“But it could have been worse,” he reflected. “She could have wanted them gift wrapped.”
Sunday, December 16, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 6.5
DR. MALLINGER’S POWER TIES
On an interview or in the boardroom, sometimes looking your best simply isn’t good enough. You need that extra edge. You need one of Dr. Mallinger’s Power Ties.
This Christmas Dr. Mallinger is opening the vault and sharing the keys to the kingdom by offering The Mallinger Prestige Tie Collection.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years in the business world, it’s the importance of proper neckwear,” says Dr. Mallinger. “The wrong shade of navy can ruin a career.”
“The Prestige line is based upon vintage models I have in my wardrobe that are proven winners. Each tie is named for what it accomplished. There’s “Stellar Review”, “Big Bonus” and “Keys to the coffee room” just to name a few.
“Also, for a limited time, I will be offering the tie that got me the job at Pepperdine. I call that one ‘The Mallinger’.”
Quantities are limited, so be sure to order yours today!
On an interview or in the boardroom, sometimes looking your best simply isn’t good enough. You need that extra edge. You need one of Dr. Mallinger’s Power Ties.
This Christmas Dr. Mallinger is opening the vault and sharing the keys to the kingdom by offering The Mallinger Prestige Tie Collection.“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years in the business world, it’s the importance of proper neckwear,” says Dr. Mallinger. “The wrong shade of navy can ruin a career.”
“The Prestige line is based upon vintage models I have in my wardrobe that are proven winners. Each tie is named for what it accomplished. There’s “Stellar Review”, “Big Bonus” and “Keys to the coffee room” just to name a few.
“Also, for a limited time, I will be offering the tie that got me the job at Pepperdine. I call that one ‘The Mallinger’.”
Quantities are limited, so be sure to order yours today!
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 6
RAJAN'S HOLIDAY HAIR
“Santa Hats are so passé. Everyone has one by now,” explains Rajan. “My Holiday Hair is unique! You can accessorize it with flashing lights, garland, and fake snow highlights. It’ll definitely get you noticed, and you’ll be the talk of the holiday networking party!”
“Remember: Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ louder than a head full of Technicolor hair! Accept no imitations!”
“Santa Hats are so passé. Everyone has one by now,” explains Rajan. “My Holiday Hair is unique! You can accessorize it with flashing lights, garland, and fake snow highlights. It’ll definitely get you noticed, and you’ll be the talk of the holiday networking party!”“Remember: Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ louder than a head full of Technicolor hair! Accept no imitations!”
Saturday, December 15, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 5
RUPY’S BIG BOOK OF EXCUSES
A must-have this holiday season! What could be more fun than sitting around with friends and reading the screamingly funny reasons for why you can’t do your share of a paper or make it to a meeting? Over 1000 pages of delusional prose.
Here’s a sneak peek of some of the gems inside:
“I’m gonna be sick next Thursday.”
“I’ll just use your slides.”
“I got turned into a newt…I’m better now.”
“I got locked in my car.”
“I didn’t understand the question.”
“Dog ate it.”
“Cat ate it.”
“I ate it.”
“Got lost.”
“Kidnapped.”
“Solar Eclipse.”
“Alien abduction.”
“Bad air quality.”
“Harmonic Convergence.”
“Amnesia.”
“Sunburn.”
“High tide.”
A must-have this holiday season! What could be more fun than sitting around with friends and reading the screamingly funny reasons for why you can’t do your share of a paper or make it to a meeting? Over 1000 pages of delusional prose.Here’s a sneak peek of some of the gems inside:
“I’m gonna be sick next Thursday.”
“I’ll just use your slides.”
“I got turned into a newt…I’m better now.”
“I got locked in my car.”
“I didn’t understand the question.”
“Dog ate it.”
“Cat ate it.”
“I ate it.”
“Got lost.”
“Kidnapped.”
“Solar Eclipse.”
“Alien abduction.”
“Bad air quality.”
“Harmonic Convergence.”
“Amnesia.”
“Sunburn.”
“High tide.”
BUSINESS HAIKU
Dollar, Yen, EuroBeautiful diversity
In portfolio
You see a forest
And miss with your untrained eye
Opportunity
20 month program
From trough of knowledge we drink
Someone please hire me
Profit margin fat
And tax breaks make them fatter
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze again
Free market system
Plucking cash from consumers
Invisible hand
Cash, where has it gone
Like Malibu, all is burned
This startup is dead
Friday, December 14, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 4
PROFESSOR HAHN’S CD
Featuring 20 blistering guitar tracks, Professor Hahn turns it up a notch in his latest release, ANOVA. In addition to his famous live recording of Purple Haze, the album also includes favorites “Regression Number 9” and “Crosstabs”.
In addition to receiving autographed ANOVA posters, the first 100 orders will also be entered in the “Live Like A Rockstar” sweepstakes. The lucky winner gets the chance to ride in the tour bus with Professor Hahn on his 37 date Hahn Solo Tour this summer.
Featuring 20 blistering guitar tracks, Professor Hahn turns it up a notch in his latest release, ANOVA. In addition to his famous live recording of Purple Haze, the album also includes favorites “Regression Number 9” and “Crosstabs”.
In addition to receiving autographed ANOVA posters, the first 100 orders will also be entered in the “Live Like A Rockstar” sweepstakes. The lucky winner gets the chance to ride in the tour bus with Professor Hahn on his 37 date Hahn Solo Tour this summer.
LET IT SNOW!
In keeping with the spirit of the holiday season, the GSBM has announced plans to encase the campus in a giant inflatable snow globe.
“I’ve been dreaming of a white Christmas here in Malibu for years,” said Dr. Mallinger, “and now, by gum, we’re gonna get one!”
At over 200 meters in diameter, the snow globe will encompass the entirety of the Drescher academic campus. Huge fans and chiller units are being installed to create the artificial snow and then blow it about.
“It’ll be *great*,” Dr. Mallinger continued. “We’re gonna have the fans on ‘blizzard’ setting the whole time so the students can experience the joys of winter as they walk between buildings or to the library. This is gonna be so awesome!”
“We’re also putting a 100 foot inflatable snowman on top of the library. We planned to cover the parking lot as well, but public safety put their foot down. Something about not having snow tires or plows. What a bunch of spoilsports.”
“The snow globe will add more value to the GSBM, as it will be another point of differentiation to attract students. This will definitely give us a leg up on UCLA.”
Dr. Mallinger would neither confirm nor deny rumors about a waterslide being set up during the summer months as a further point of differentiation. When pressed, he would only smile and cryptically reply “let’s just say that starting in June room U3 will be a lot more interesting…”
“I’ve been dreaming of a white Christmas here in Malibu for years,” said Dr. Mallinger, “and now, by gum, we’re gonna get one!”
At over 200 meters in diameter, the snow globe will encompass the entirety of the Drescher academic campus. Huge fans and chiller units are being installed to create the artificial snow and then blow it about.“It’ll be *great*,” Dr. Mallinger continued. “We’re gonna have the fans on ‘blizzard’ setting the whole time so the students can experience the joys of winter as they walk between buildings or to the library. This is gonna be so awesome!”
“We’re also putting a 100 foot inflatable snowman on top of the library. We planned to cover the parking lot as well, but public safety put their foot down. Something about not having snow tires or plows. What a bunch of spoilsports.”
“The snow globe will add more value to the GSBM, as it will be another point of differentiation to attract students. This will definitely give us a leg up on UCLA.”
Dr. Mallinger would neither confirm nor deny rumors about a waterslide being set up during the summer months as a further point of differentiation. When pressed, he would only smile and cryptically reply “let’s just say that starting in June room U3 will be a lot more interesting…”
Thursday, December 13, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 3
PROFESSOR SEAMAN BOBBLEHEAD DOLLS
Can’t get into enough classes with Professor Seaman? Well, how about the next best thing: Professor Seaman on your desk! These handsome dolls are sure to become collectors’ items, and are built to provide years of lifelike head bobbling. Current models include “The Professor” and “Shootin Sammy”. Purchase the two together, and receive a dashboard mounting kit at no additional cost!
Can’t get into enough classes with Professor Seaman? Well, how about the next best thing: Professor Seaman on your desk! These handsome dolls are sure to become collectors’ items, and are built to provide years of lifelike head bobbling. Current models include “The Professor” and “Shootin Sammy”. Purchase the two together, and receive a dashboard mounting kit at no additional cost!
LEGAL WOES
It’s been only a week since the term ended, but Pepperdine’s mental health and counseling services are already reporting a large spike in visits by second year GSBM students.
“It’s bad at the end of every term, but it’s always the worst in the fall,” says Pepperdine mental health specialist Dr. Lucinda Greco. “After being in an intense relationship for 15 weeks, students are suddenly cut loose. They feel lost, betrayed, and don’t know what to do with themselves.”
“We have a scientific term for this malady. It’s called Business Law Withdrawal.”
“I couldn’t believe it,” explained a hollow eyed Liz Pasaretti (GSBM ’08). I mean for 15 weeks that textbook was with me 24/7. I fell asleep holding him in my arms, and woke up with him next to me. He was such a big part of my life. We’d spend entire weekends together…just the two of us.”
Choking back tears, she continued. “We were coming up on our four month anniversary. I thought we had something special. And then it was over!”
“Everyone thinks they won’t fall for this hardcover Casanova,” explains Dr. Greco, but it gets ‘em every time. It’s a form of Stockholm syndrome: a one sided relationship where Mr. B. Law first seduces his victims and takes control of their lives...and then leaves them feeling empty.”
“I barely made it through the weekend,” said an ashen faced Lana Cohen (GSBM ’08). “Suddenly I had all this free time…I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Counselors stress that this condition is reversible and that things will improve over time. “After the initial shock, it’s vital that students suffering from Business Law Withdrawal reacquaint themselves with the things they have been missing. Things like sleeping, eating and talking to the people they used to know before they got in trouble with the law.”
In addition to developing something called a ‘social life’, Dr. Greco also suggests watching lots of TV as well as attending multiple happy hours and drinking lots of fluids in order to help speed the recovery process.
“It’s bad at the end of every term, but it’s always the worst in the fall,” says Pepperdine mental health specialist Dr. Lucinda Greco. “After being in an intense relationship for 15 weeks, students are suddenly cut loose. They feel lost, betrayed, and don’t know what to do with themselves.”
“We have a scientific term for this malady. It’s called Business Law Withdrawal.”“I couldn’t believe it,” explained a hollow eyed Liz Pasaretti (GSBM ’08). I mean for 15 weeks that textbook was with me 24/7. I fell asleep holding him in my arms, and woke up with him next to me. He was such a big part of my life. We’d spend entire weekends together…just the two of us.”
Choking back tears, she continued. “We were coming up on our four month anniversary. I thought we had something special. And then it was over!”
“Everyone thinks they won’t fall for this hardcover Casanova,” explains Dr. Greco, but it gets ‘em every time. It’s a form of Stockholm syndrome: a one sided relationship where Mr. B. Law first seduces his victims and takes control of their lives...and then leaves them feeling empty.”
“I barely made it through the weekend,” said an ashen faced Lana Cohen (GSBM ’08). “Suddenly I had all this free time…I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Counselors stress that this condition is reversible and that things will improve over time. “After the initial shock, it’s vital that students suffering from Business Law Withdrawal reacquaint themselves with the things they have been missing. Things like sleeping, eating and talking to the people they used to know before they got in trouble with the law.”
In addition to developing something called a ‘social life’, Dr. Greco also suggests watching lots of TV as well as attending multiple happy hours and drinking lots of fluids in order to help speed the recovery process.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 2
FEARLESS LEADERS GARDEN STATUES
95 feet high, and cast in solid bronze, these lovely statues are just the thing to spruce up your backyard, or the nearest open plaza. Feel the blunt power radiating from this work, and live forever in its shadow, knowing that this Power Trio is watching over you at all times.
Word is that Presidentita for Life Bre will be requiring all students to purchase this distinctive garden statue set, so get on her good side and order now!
95 feet high, and cast in solid bronze, these lovely statues are just the thing to spruce up your backyard, or the nearest open plaza. Feel the blunt power radiating from this work, and live forever in its shadow, knowing that this Power Trio is watching over you at all times.
Word is that Presidentita for Life Bre will be requiring all students to purchase this distinctive garden statue set, so get on her good side and order now!
'TIS THE SEASON
The main auditorium is abuzz with activity as rehearsals continue for the GSBM’s holiday production of the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.
“The professors had been kicking around the idea for a while,” said Jamie Wood, who is directing the spectacular. “Originally they wanted to do the Nutcracker Suite, but, well, we didn’t exactly have the right material to work with there, if you know what I mean.”
“The idea of some of the professors in a tutu…let’s not go there.”
Casting calls were held just after Thanksgiving, and the lucky selectees have been practicing ever since.
“Professor Charles Morrissey was born to play Scrooge,” says Dr. Mallinger. “The way he scowls and growls ‘bah Humbug’, he’s a natural!”
“Now if we could only get him to stop calling Tiny Tim a juvenile delinquent...”
“But enough talk about Professor Morrissey. Let’s talk more about me. I’m playing the Ghost of Christmas Past, which of course is the most important of the three. It’s the most under appreciated character in the play, and if I do say so, I think I’m going to steal the show. I have a SAG card, you know.”
When asked to comment further on the other two Christmas ghosts, a petulant Dr. Mallinger continued: “Well, Professor Steffl is playing Christmas Present, and he’s doing a good job, but with less élan than moi, of course.”
“Professor Wally Jones, on the other hand, is totally overdoing it as the Ghost of Christmas Future. I mean, I know he’s excited to be wearing that hooded cloak and all, but look at the binder he’s carrying with him. He has about 80 pages of detailed blocking instructions and has choreographed every minute detail of his performance. You gotta be kidding me. I mean, come on! He’s on stage for 30 seconds, and all he has to do is point his finger at a stupid tombstone! He doesn’t even *say* anything! Can’t he keep things simple for once?”
Leaving Dr. Mallinger's continued ranting, Fly On The Wall next approached Professor Torres to ask him about his take on the production.
“I’m pleased as punch to be playing the part of Jacob Marley”, he began. “You know, laying it all out for Scrooge and giving him a chance to look inward at himself. Showing him how he can change from a miserable miser to a happy person…it’s just like my Negotiations and Resolution class that I’ll be teaching in the spring, which in addition to being a great class on its own, also fulfills the Applied Behavior requirement.”
When asked to comment further about the play, he continued, “Professor McPeak is a great Bob Cratchit when he can remember his lines, which isn’t too often. But he’s getting better at ad-libbing. Whenever he forgets a line, he starts speaking in another language, and then we know to help him out. It makes things interesting.”
“Professor Williams is playing the part of Scrooge’s happy-go-lucky nephew, Fred. That one’s a no-brainer.”
When asked about reports of Professor Seaman acting like a prima donna, Professor Torres chose his words carefully. “Well, Tiny Tim is a central character, so he naturally attracts a lot of attention…which suits Professor Seaman just fine.”
“Deep down, I think it’s Sammy’s insecurities that are making him act out. I think he’s afraid of being typecast. He really should take my Negotiation and Resolution course. Did I mention it meets at 1pm on Wednesdays?”
Performances will be held at 8pm on December 21st and 22nd. Tickets are $20 in advance and $25 at the door.
“The professors had been kicking around the idea for a while,” said Jamie Wood, who is directing the spectacular. “Originally they wanted to do the Nutcracker Suite, but, well, we didn’t exactly have the right material to work with there, if you know what I mean.”
“The idea of some of the professors in a tutu…let’s not go there.”
Casting calls were held just after Thanksgiving, and the lucky selectees have been practicing ever since.
“Professor Charles Morrissey was born to play Scrooge,” says Dr. Mallinger. “The way he scowls and growls ‘bah Humbug’, he’s a natural!”“Now if we could only get him to stop calling Tiny Tim a juvenile delinquent...”
“But enough talk about Professor Morrissey. Let’s talk more about me. I’m playing the Ghost of Christmas Past, which of course is the most important of the three. It’s the most under appreciated character in the play, and if I do say so, I think I’m going to steal the show. I have a SAG card, you know.”
When asked to comment further on the other two Christmas ghosts, a petulant Dr. Mallinger continued: “Well, Professor Steffl is playing Christmas Present, and he’s doing a good job, but with less élan than moi, of course.”
“Professor Wally Jones, on the other hand, is totally overdoing it as the Ghost of Christmas Future. I mean, I know he’s excited to be wearing that hooded cloak and all, but look at the binder he’s carrying with him. He has about 80 pages of detailed blocking instructions and has choreographed every minute detail of his performance. You gotta be kidding me. I mean, come on! He’s on stage for 30 seconds, and all he has to do is point his finger at a stupid tombstone! He doesn’t even *say* anything! Can’t he keep things simple for once?”Leaving Dr. Mallinger's continued ranting, Fly On The Wall next approached Professor Torres to ask him about his take on the production.
“I’m pleased as punch to be playing the part of Jacob Marley”, he began. “You know, laying it all out for Scrooge and giving him a chance to look inward at himself. Showing him how he can change from a miserable miser to a happy person…it’s just like my Negotiations and Resolution class that I’ll be teaching in the spring, which in addition to being a great class on its own, also fulfills the Applied Behavior requirement.”When asked to comment further about the play, he continued, “Professor McPeak is a great Bob Cratchit when he can remember his lines, which isn’t too often. But he’s getting better at ad-libbing. Whenever he forgets a line, he starts speaking in another language, and then we know to help him out. It makes things interesting.”
“Professor Williams is playing the part of Scrooge’s happy-go-lucky nephew, Fred. That one’s a no-brainer.”When asked about reports of Professor Seaman acting like a prima donna, Professor Torres chose his words carefully. “Well, Tiny Tim is a central character, so he naturally attracts a lot of attention…which suits Professor Seaman just fine.”
“Deep down, I think it’s Sammy’s insecurities that are making him act out. I think he’s afraid of being typecast. He really should take my Negotiation and Resolution course. Did I mention it meets at 1pm on Wednesdays?”
Performances will be held at 8pm on December 21st and 22nd. Tickets are $20 in advance and $25 at the door.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, DAY 1
PROFESSOR PAGLIA’S PERFECT HAIRCARE
You’ve seen it from afar, you’ve seen it up close. Always the same: Perfect. Unaffected by rain, wind, or invading SWAT team. You can’t help but wonder: How does he do it??? And moreover, how can *I* get it?
Wonder no more! Winner of ‘Best Head of Hair on Campus’ for the 4th straight year, Professor Paglia is now sharing his secrets with the less fortunate by offering “Paglia’s Perfect Haircare System.” The kit comes with everything you see in the photo below, as well as a 300 page step by step instruction manual.
NOTE: Some elements of the kit require three phase 440 volt outlets. Purchasers must also obtain waivers from the EPA to use some of the included liquids and gels.
You’ve seen it from afar, you’ve seen it up close. Always the same: Perfect. Unaffected by rain, wind, or invading SWAT team. You can’t help but wonder: How does he do it??? And moreover, how can *I* get it?
Wonder no more! Winner of ‘Best Head of Hair on Campus’ for the 4th straight year, Professor Paglia is now sharing his secrets with the less fortunate by offering “Paglia’s Perfect Haircare System.” The kit comes with everything you see in the photo below, as well as a 300 page step by step instruction manual.
NOTE: Some elements of the kit require three phase 440 volt outlets. Purchasers must also obtain waivers from the EPA to use some of the included liquids and gels.THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS
Christmas is right around the corner, and it’s time to get down to the serious job of shopping for all those holiday gifts! With so many gifts to buy, and so much to choose from, how does one find that *perfect* gift for that special someone?Fly On The Wall has been combing the shelves and come up with a slew of unique gift ideas for that that special GSBM classmate (or professor) will be sure to love!
Be sure to check in each day as Fly On The Wall presents Twelve Days of Christmas gift ideas!
Monday, December 10, 2007
THE WEISDORN CHRONICLES
Professor Gia Weisdorn was spotted at Ralph’s again, but rather than buying cat paraphernalia, this time she was seen having a long discussion with The Cat Lady!
For those not familiar who are not familiar, The Cat Lady is a Malibu resident who is regularly seen in Ralphs, Starbucks, CVS, etc, with a cat perched on her shoulder. When any mention is made of her cat, she immediately begins rattling off laws and ordinances that permit her to bring her cat into stores, restaurants, or anywhere else she happens to be going.
You heard it here first, folks: In addition to her teaching duties at Pepperdine, Professor Weisdorn is also legal counsel to The Cat Lady!
This latest revelation about the enigmatic esquire raises all sorts of questions:
How did the two meet?
Is this part of a larger cat-law agenda?
Will Business Law soon cover animal law?
And of course:
Is she doing the work pro bono?
The mind boggles.
Fly On The Wall still isn't quite sure where all of this is going, but investigations will continue throughout the winter break. Stay tuned for further details!
For those not familiar who are not familiar, The Cat Lady is a Malibu resident who is regularly seen in Ralphs, Starbucks, CVS, etc, with a cat perched on her shoulder. When any mention is made of her cat, she immediately begins rattling off laws and ordinances that permit her to bring her cat into stores, restaurants, or anywhere else she happens to be going.
You heard it here first, folks: In addition to her teaching duties at Pepperdine, Professor Weisdorn is also legal counsel to The Cat Lady!
This latest revelation about the enigmatic esquire raises all sorts of questions:
How did the two meet?
Is this part of a larger cat-law agenda?
Will Business Law soon cover animal law?
And of course:
Is she doing the work pro bono?
The mind boggles.
Fly On The Wall still isn't quite sure where all of this is going, but investigations will continue throughout the winter break. Stay tuned for further details!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
THIS STATS PROF IS A SLAM DUNK!
Professor, linear programmer, ping pong player. These are words used by many to describe Professor Seaman.
Get ready to start using the next two words: Point Guard.
Fly On The Wall has dug up some interesting dirt about Professor Seaman’s College days. Well before he became the Table Tennis Terror of the GSBM, Professor Seaman was Florida’s Beast of the Backcourt.
“Oh, I remember him well,” began former Stetson University head basketball coach, Frank Newman. “I knew he was going to be a handful when I read his bio. Borderline student, hanging out with the wrong crowd, only got in on the athletic scholarship. Some scout saw him playing in a pickup game and signed him.”
“The first few weeks he didn’t even come to practice. He was out at the beach surfing every day. Well, trying to surf. Mostly he was just floating around.”
“I’ll never forget the day he finally showed up to practice. He rolls in like a total hard case: leather jacket and sunglasses. It’s 95 degrees, I’m trying to coach a team, and this clown is doing Marlon Brando in flip flops!”
“He didn’t even play that day. In fact, no one did. He just stole the basketball and went home.”
“It took a while, but eventually he started to come out of his shell. He was a little rough around the edges at first. It took a few weeks before he started talking, and a few more before I could convince him to ditch the flip flops and wear sneakers.”
“But once he put on the sneakers and dumped the jacket, whoa boy, did his game ever take off! He became a force on the court. Put the ball in his hands and you could see his mind calculating: figuring the odds, weighing probabilities, and always going for the high percentage shot.”
“Some kids, you’re happy if they can just do a pick and roll. But Sammy was playing on a different level…way higher than everyone else. He totally played above his height. Whenever I’d start to diagram a play on the chalkboard, he’d whip out his laptop and start running solver equations. Next thing I know, he’s suggesting different plays that he *swore* would have better outcomes.”
“Amazingly, he was right.”
“I put him in charge of team strategy and he totally went to town, drawing all these diagrams and decision trees. Then he started talking about multinomial regression theory. I still have no idea what that means, but it worked. The team started winning and winning big.”
“But there were still some bumps in the road. He still had that feral edge to him. Whenever he gave up a few points he’d start snarling and smashing things. Sometimes he’d get this look in his eye and totally lose it.”
“This could be good during a game, but not so good during team practice. Like the time he ripped down the backboard…or the time he attacked the team bus. Good thing we had comprehensive on that.”
“And on top of all that, there was the whole academic thing. We had to hire eight of the best tutors and pay them big bucks to take all of his classes.”
“But it was worth it. We were tearing through the competition and “Shootin’ Sammy” was the talk of the conference. I was looking like a genius and Stetson was looking at an invite to March Madness. Life was good.”
“But then the unthinkable happened: Sammy actually went to a class…a statistics class.”
“After that, the wheels fell off. I still can’t believe how it ended. I mean, I don’t think he even *knew* where the classrooms were! He musta gotten lost and wandered in by mistake.”
“Anyways, once he found that stats class, forget about it! He was hooked. We never saw him on the court again.”
“We tried everything to lure him back: pieces of raw meat, cubes of sugar, stun guns--everything--but it was no use. A month later I’m out of coaching and two weeks after that I’m back to selling Buicks. Oh well. It was good while it lasted.”
When he’s not floating around at Surfrider Beach, Professor Seaman can occasionaly be seen in room 324.
Get ready to start using the next two words: Point Guard.
Fly On The Wall has dug up some interesting dirt about Professor Seaman’s College days. Well before he became the Table Tennis Terror of the GSBM, Professor Seaman was Florida’s Beast of the Backcourt.
“Oh, I remember him well,” began former Stetson University head basketball coach, Frank Newman. “I knew he was going to be a handful when I read his bio. Borderline student, hanging out with the wrong crowd, only got in on the athletic scholarship. Some scout saw him playing in a pickup game and signed him.”“The first few weeks he didn’t even come to practice. He was out at the beach surfing every day. Well, trying to surf. Mostly he was just floating around.”
“I’ll never forget the day he finally showed up to practice. He rolls in like a total hard case: leather jacket and sunglasses. It’s 95 degrees, I’m trying to coach a team, and this clown is doing Marlon Brando in flip flops!”
“He didn’t even play that day. In fact, no one did. He just stole the basketball and went home.”
“It took a while, but eventually he started to come out of his shell. He was a little rough around the edges at first. It took a few weeks before he started talking, and a few more before I could convince him to ditch the flip flops and wear sneakers.”
“But once he put on the sneakers and dumped the jacket, whoa boy, did his game ever take off! He became a force on the court. Put the ball in his hands and you could see his mind calculating: figuring the odds, weighing probabilities, and always going for the high percentage shot.”
“Some kids, you’re happy if they can just do a pick and roll. But Sammy was playing on a different level…way higher than everyone else. He totally played above his height. Whenever I’d start to diagram a play on the chalkboard, he’d whip out his laptop and start running solver equations. Next thing I know, he’s suggesting different plays that he *swore* would have better outcomes.”
“Amazingly, he was right.”
“I put him in charge of team strategy and he totally went to town, drawing all these diagrams and decision trees. Then he started talking about multinomial regression theory. I still have no idea what that means, but it worked. The team started winning and winning big.”
“But there were still some bumps in the road. He still had that feral edge to him. Whenever he gave up a few points he’d start snarling and smashing things. Sometimes he’d get this look in his eye and totally lose it.”
“This could be good during a game, but not so good during team practice. Like the time he ripped down the backboard…or the time he attacked the team bus. Good thing we had comprehensive on that.”
“And on top of all that, there was the whole academic thing. We had to hire eight of the best tutors and pay them big bucks to take all of his classes.”
“But it was worth it. We were tearing through the competition and “Shootin’ Sammy” was the talk of the conference. I was looking like a genius and Stetson was looking at an invite to March Madness. Life was good.”
“But then the unthinkable happened: Sammy actually went to a class…a statistics class.”
“After that, the wheels fell off. I still can’t believe how it ended. I mean, I don’t think he even *knew* where the classrooms were! He musta gotten lost and wandered in by mistake.”
“Anyways, once he found that stats class, forget about it! He was hooked. We never saw him on the court again.”
“We tried everything to lure him back: pieces of raw meat, cubes of sugar, stun guns--everything--but it was no use. A month later I’m out of coaching and two weeks after that I’m back to selling Buicks. Oh well. It was good while it lasted.”
When he’s not floating around at Surfrider Beach, Professor Seaman can occasionaly be seen in room 324.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
POWER STRUGGLE
In response to recent developments regarding the office of class president, Zach Pond (GSBM ’08) has issued the following statement:
“Due to the outrageous abuses of power, I demand that Bre Hayes steps aside immediately. Having come in second place in the last election, it is perfectly logical that the leadership position should go to me.”
When asked by Fly On The Wall what he would do differently, Mr. Pond became evasive and only made general statements about it being “his turn”.
When queried about the idea of free and open elections he became agitated and began shouting: “These weak minded sheep cannot handle such responsibility…they need to be told what to do!”
Foaming at the mouth, he continued, “I shall abolish the office of President entirely!!! The mongrel populace shall address me by my true and proper title: Zach Pond, Maximum Leader!!!”
When reached for comment, Presidentita For Life Bre Hayes responded that she and her two newest cabinet members, Gucci and Prada, are looking forward to dealing with Mr. Pond as soon as possible.
“I welcome the opportunity for all us to sit down and discuss this matter. My dispute resolution specialists are chomping at the bit. I can’t wait to turn them loose and watch them sink their teeth into this matter!"
Maximum Leader Pond was unavailable for further comment, and has reportedly gone into hiding.
“Due to the outrageous abuses of power, I demand that Bre Hayes steps aside immediately. Having come in second place in the last election, it is perfectly logical that the leadership position should go to me.”
When asked by Fly On The Wall what he would do differently, Mr. Pond became evasive and only made general statements about it being “his turn”.
When queried about the idea of free and open elections he became agitated and began shouting: “These weak minded sheep cannot handle such responsibility…they need to be told what to do!”
Foaming at the mouth, he continued, “I shall abolish the office of President entirely!!! The mongrel populace shall address me by my true and proper title: Zach Pond, Maximum Leader!!!”
When reached for comment, Presidentita For Life Bre Hayes responded that she and her two newest cabinet members, Gucci and Prada, are looking forward to dealing with Mr. Pond as soon as possible.
“I welcome the opportunity for all us to sit down and discuss this matter. My dispute resolution specialists are chomping at the bit. I can’t wait to turn them loose and watch them sink their teeth into this matter!"Maximum Leader Pond was unavailable for further comment, and has reportedly gone into hiding.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
WHAT'S NEWS?
-UPDATE: As the scandals at the GSBM continue to mount, Fly On The Wall has learned that in addition to hiding under the desk and not answering her phone, Dean Livingstone has also begun collecting bits of string.
-As an alternative to the weekly Happy Hours, Director of Communications Katie Nsairy will be introducing a new networking event called “Dancing with Strangers”. The purpose of this event is to provide a better setting for networking with business contacts while learning all sorts of wonderful dance moves. Students get to dance for five minutes before switching partners. Each weekly event will feature a different themed dance: the Mashed Potato, the Macarena, the Time Warp, and Line Dancing.
-Given the popularity of last week’s brown bag liquid lunch program, this week the cafeteria staff will be promoting the three martini lunch. Those interested in participating are asked to report to the Executive Center. Proper attire is required.
-MGBS social chairs Sharon Haughey and Valerie Malloy have announced that the end-of-the-trimester cocktail party will be held at an “undisclosed location” along Santa Monica beach. The University will be providing the first round of cocktails, including orange juice with pulp, decaffeinated coffee, and sparkling water. Drinks will be served on the rocks with a splash of surf.
-Pepperdine has announced that it is considering abandoning the tenured professor system and replacing it with a 5 year straight-line depreciation method.
-As an alternative to the weekly Happy Hours, Director of Communications Katie Nsairy will be introducing a new networking event called “Dancing with Strangers”. The purpose of this event is to provide a better setting for networking with business contacts while learning all sorts of wonderful dance moves. Students get to dance for five minutes before switching partners. Each weekly event will feature a different themed dance: the Mashed Potato, the Macarena, the Time Warp, and Line Dancing.
-Given the popularity of last week’s brown bag liquid lunch program, this week the cafeteria staff will be promoting the three martini lunch. Those interested in participating are asked to report to the Executive Center. Proper attire is required.
-MGBS social chairs Sharon Haughey and Valerie Malloy have announced that the end-of-the-trimester cocktail party will be held at an “undisclosed location” along Santa Monica beach. The University will be providing the first round of cocktails, including orange juice with pulp, decaffeinated coffee, and sparkling water. Drinks will be served on the rocks with a splash of surf.
-Pepperdine has announced that it is considering abandoning the tenured professor system and replacing it with a 5 year straight-line depreciation method.
Monday, December 3, 2007
THE WEISDORN CHRONICLES
BREAK ROOM BEDLAM!
Chaos reigned in the Professors’ break room early this morning when a bag of catnip fell out of Professor Gia Weisdorn’s handbag.
“It was a quiet morning,” said Professor Kent Rhodes. “A bunch of us sitting around, having coffee and laughing about Paul Pinckney’s football pool. Professor Atwater was talking smack all last week about his super duper CRPR football pool picker, and after the weekend, well, let’s just say he was eating some major crow.”
“Professor Weisdorn is laughing so hard she drops her handbag and this little baggie falls out. The room goes SILENT and everyone gets real still. Well, except for Professor Seaman; his eyes lit up and he got all hyper for some reason.”
“The place went nuts. Dean Livingstone just about lost it and ran screaming from the room. I think all these scandals are starting to get to her.”
“It was total pandemonium for a while,” said Professor Shane Moshiri. “Everyone was shouting and running around. Professor Weisdorn trying to explain, Professor Seaman trying to steal the catnip, and Professor Atwater trying to sneak out without paying up on his football bets. Pure chaos.”
“First Professor Weisdorn said she was holding it for a friend.” Reported Professor Peggy Crawford. “Then she says it’s medicinal catnip and she has a prescription. A couple of minutes later the story changes *again* and she’s telling us it’s no big deal because California has a policy of non-enforcement anyway.”
“She finally admitted that the catnip was hers. But she said she was just experimenting. You know, a one time thing.”
“After we heard that, everyone calmed down,” said Professor Rhodes. “Professor Seaman wandered off to play ping pong and Professor Atwater started babbling about that CRPR thing to anyone who would listen. It’s the same every week: We all smile and nod, but none of us have any idea what he's talking about.”
“Anyways, we all had a laugh about the whole thing afterwards. You know, how we all overreacted. I mean, come on, it’s just a little catnip. Harmless. It’s not like she has a problem with it or anything. Besides, she has four dogs, right?”
Chaos reigned in the Professors’ break room early this morning when a bag of catnip fell out of Professor Gia Weisdorn’s handbag.
“It was a quiet morning,” said Professor Kent Rhodes. “A bunch of us sitting around, having coffee and laughing about Paul Pinckney’s football pool. Professor Atwater was talking smack all last week about his super duper CRPR football pool picker, and after the weekend, well, let’s just say he was eating some major crow.”“Professor Weisdorn is laughing so hard she drops her handbag and this little baggie falls out. The room goes SILENT and everyone gets real still. Well, except for Professor Seaman; his eyes lit up and he got all hyper for some reason.”
“The place went nuts. Dean Livingstone just about lost it and ran screaming from the room. I think all these scandals are starting to get to her.”
“It was total pandemonium for a while,” said Professor Shane Moshiri. “Everyone was shouting and running around. Professor Weisdorn trying to explain, Professor Seaman trying to steal the catnip, and Professor Atwater trying to sneak out without paying up on his football bets. Pure chaos.”
“First Professor Weisdorn said she was holding it for a friend.” Reported Professor Peggy Crawford. “Then she says it’s medicinal catnip and she has a prescription. A couple of minutes later the story changes *again* and she’s telling us it’s no big deal because California has a policy of non-enforcement anyway.”
“She finally admitted that the catnip was hers. But she said she was just experimenting. You know, a one time thing.”
“After we heard that, everyone calmed down,” said Professor Rhodes. “Professor Seaman wandered off to play ping pong and Professor Atwater started babbling about that CRPR thing to anyone who would listen. It’s the same every week: We all smile and nod, but none of us have any idea what he's talking about.”
“Anyways, we all had a laugh about the whole thing afterwards. You know, how we all overreacted. I mean, come on, it’s just a little catnip. Harmless. It’s not like she has a problem with it or anything. Besides, she has four dogs, right?”
Sunday, December 2, 2007
ROCK STAR OF THE STATS DEPARTMENT
Have you ever wondered what our favorite Stat Tools guru, Professor Joe Hahn, does outside of class? Fly On The Wall did a little digging and the results are quite surprising. When he is not busy running regressions, Professor Hahn enjoys playing a mean guitar, which has led to a few wild stories.
“It all started back at UT Austin,” he explained. “Me and a couple of the other professors started a grunge band called Lower Limits. We played at homecoming and a few clubs on a regular basis, and there was talk about signing a recording contract. But then the Organizational Behavior Professor who was the lead singer decided the name was wrong and changed it to ‘Degrees of Freedom’. That killed us. It totally went against the theme of the band. I mean, what kind of grunge band has a name like that? Our fans called us sellouts, and a bunch of students dropped my class. It was a bad time.”
“After taking some time off, I started doing some solo work. Some of my own material, a bit of Clapton, and a lot of Hendrix.”
“My big break came later that year during South by Southwest. I had just finished a really intense linear programming project and developed some macros that my colleagues said couldn’t be done. I was totally stoked.”
“When I got on stage that night, I was on fire. For 30 minutes I *was* Jimi. It was wild: I’m doing Purple Haze, smashing amps, playing with my teeth, lighter fluid, the whole nine yards. Brought the house down. The crowd was screaming and students were throwing their textbooks on the stage.”
“But that wasn’t the best of it! I go back into the crowd to watch the next gig, and this guy next to me is going on and on about the guy who just did Hendrix. I look over my shoulder, and it’s my childhood idol, Ace Frehley from KISS!”
“We get to talking, and next thing I know, he’s introducing me to Gene and the rest of the band. The whole time my head is swimming, trying to calculate how many standard deviations from the norm this event outcome had to be. It blew my mind.”
“Gene was a bit distant at first. Especially when I told him Destroyer was my favorite album…I don’t know what I was thinking. I really put my foot in it. But he warmed up when I started talking about the valuation of real options. Behind the makeup he’s a very astute businessman.”
GUITAR HERO
“But that’s not the end of the story,” he added, with a grin. “About a week later Ace calls: They’re in Houston and Paul Stanley had a bad reaction to the face paint. Could I step in and cover for him tonight?”
“Quicker than you can say ‘class dismissed’ I’m on a helicopter to Houston and living the life of a rock star: trashed hotel suites, stretch limos, screaming fans…and this time they were throwing more than textbooks.”
“I wound up doing two shows. They asked me to stay on the tour, but I had to say no. I mean, I gave it some thought, but after running it through a logit model, it made more sense to stick with teaching. There were just too many variables.”
“Sure, I still think about it every now and then, but things have worked out just fine. I still play on Wednesday nights at the Malibu Inn where it’s only a $10 cover and a double happy hour from 8-10.”
Professor Hahn is available on Mondays from 12-2 to discuss problem sets or sign autographs.
“It all started back at UT Austin,” he explained. “Me and a couple of the other professors started a grunge band called Lower Limits. We played at homecoming and a few clubs on a regular basis, and there was talk about signing a recording contract. But then the Organizational Behavior Professor who was the lead singer decided the name was wrong and changed it to ‘Degrees of Freedom’. That killed us. It totally went against the theme of the band. I mean, what kind of grunge band has a name like that? Our fans called us sellouts, and a bunch of students dropped my class. It was a bad time.”
“After taking some time off, I started doing some solo work. Some of my own material, a bit of Clapton, and a lot of Hendrix.”
“My big break came later that year during South by Southwest. I had just finished a really intense linear programming project and developed some macros that my colleagues said couldn’t be done. I was totally stoked.”
“When I got on stage that night, I was on fire. For 30 minutes I *was* Jimi. It was wild: I’m doing Purple Haze, smashing amps, playing with my teeth, lighter fluid, the whole nine yards. Brought the house down. The crowd was screaming and students were throwing their textbooks on the stage.”
“But that wasn’t the best of it! I go back into the crowd to watch the next gig, and this guy next to me is going on and on about the guy who just did Hendrix. I look over my shoulder, and it’s my childhood idol, Ace Frehley from KISS!”
“We get to talking, and next thing I know, he’s introducing me to Gene and the rest of the band. The whole time my head is swimming, trying to calculate how many standard deviations from the norm this event outcome had to be. It blew my mind.”
“Gene was a bit distant at first. Especially when I told him Destroyer was my favorite album…I don’t know what I was thinking. I really put my foot in it. But he warmed up when I started talking about the valuation of real options. Behind the makeup he’s a very astute businessman.”
GUITAR HERO
“But that’s not the end of the story,” he added, with a grin. “About a week later Ace calls: They’re in Houston and Paul Stanley had a bad reaction to the face paint. Could I step in and cover for him tonight?”
“Quicker than you can say ‘class dismissed’ I’m on a helicopter to Houston and living the life of a rock star: trashed hotel suites, stretch limos, screaming fans…and this time they were throwing more than textbooks.”“I wound up doing two shows. They asked me to stay on the tour, but I had to say no. I mean, I gave it some thought, but after running it through a logit model, it made more sense to stick with teaching. There were just too many variables.”
“Sure, I still think about it every now and then, but things have worked out just fine. I still play on Wednesday nights at the Malibu Inn where it’s only a $10 cover and a double happy hour from 8-10.”
Professor Hahn is available on Mondays from 12-2 to discuss problem sets or sign autographs.
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