SURF SCHOOL!

After the success of the Golf Etiquette Workshop last month, the GSBM is announcing the creation of a new class for the summer term called “Acing Your Surfing Interview.”

“Let’s face it, golf is for inlanders,” quipped Dr. Mallinger. “Being located in Malibu, Pepperdine has a unique advantage in preparing its students for the challenges of surfing interviews.”

“Anyone can do an elevator pitch. But to pitch your idea between the swells, or while you’re standing on an 8 foot wall, that takes real talent.”

“More and more interviews are being done out on the ocean” says Professor Seaman, who will be teaching the class. “You’d be surprised how many CEO’s, CFO’s and other power surfers are out there hunting for talent along with the perfect wave.”

“High tide at Surfrider is rapidly becoming the next power lunch.”

“There’s one legendary group of execs that surfs Zuma every week. When you see the Bentleys with roof racks in the parking lot, you know they’re riding. They call themselves ‘The Chairmen of the Board’ and they’re always hiring.”

“Professor Nooner hangs with them all the time.”

But before students jump in with both feet, Professor Seaman makes sure they know the fundamental rules of surf interview etiquette:

“First of all, be on time! If you come late, you’ll miss your wave. It’s OK to be a little early, but not so much you wind up sitting around for too long. You don’t want to get overexposed because then you’ll get burned.”

“Proper attire is vital, so make sure you dress right. Under no circumstances should you ever wear a Speedo! Surfer Professional all the way. Nothing too loud or flashy. Stick with black neoprene.”

“Go easy on the jewelry too. In addition to sending the wrong message, it also tends to attract sharks.”

“Remember: doing proper research is the key to a successful interview. You gotta know the climate, which way the tide is flowing, and be alert at all times for subtle undercurrents. One wrong move and you’ll totally wipe out.”

“Picking the right lines is vital too. Use the wrong ones and you’ll wind up on the rocks.”

“Always follow the interviewer’s lead. Don’t hog all the waves, and never cut him off. Make sure you have a couple of questions ready too. You can always ask about his footwork or which way he thinks the wind is blowing.”

“Once things get going, stay focused and ride that wave. But don’t show off too much. Remember, you’re not the only one competing for the wave, and no one invites an arrogant surfer to the clubhouse.”

“Most of all, remember that everyone will be watching you closely, so put your best foot forward, even if it makes you look a little Goofy.”

Enrollment is limited to a maximum of 18 students and the class is filling rapidly.

Upon completion of the class, students are automatically eligible to be enrolled in the advanced “Swimming With Sharks” class offered by the Law School and taught by Professor Gia Weisdorn.

PEPPERJAM: BEHIND THE SCENES

After the rousing success of last week’s Pepperjam talent show, Fly On The Wall finally caught up with Executive Producer Michael Tanenbaum to get the exclusive story about the various acts that didn’t make it into the show.

“Well, naturally we wanted to include everyone,” said Mr. Tanenbaum. “But after watching the try-outs, well, some acts weren’t quite ready for prime time, if you know what I mean.”

“Case in point: Professor Seaman’s tumbling routine. I mean, points for creativity, but he was forward rolling and cartwheeling all over the place. I can’t tell you how many chairs and tables he knocked over. It just wasn’t safe for the audience.”

“Professor Paglia wanted to do standup financial comedy, but that didn’t work so well either. I know he’s been practicing for months, but it was just like being in one of his classes: I kept falling asleep.”

“Rajan Kalra was going to do a hair care demo. His audition was actually really good: he did three frostings, two colorings and a perm in about 10 minutes. He really has a gift for that sort of thing. It’s too bad he pulled a no-show at the last minute. Something about not wanting to miss ‘Lost’.”

“What a shame. I mean, hasn’t he ever heard of TiVo?”

“I had high hopes for Dean Livingstone’s baton twirling. It started really well, but after having to pull that baton out of the ceiling for the third time, I was getting nervous. After nearly decapitating Zach Pond she finally said something about a meeting and left.”

“A little after that, Professor Seaman wandered back in with a big box and started setting up for a new audition. He told me it was a juggling act, and I could already feel the migraine coming on. Then he told me the specifics: it was a *cat* juggling act!”

“Good thing Professor Weisdorn was in the room.”

“Quicker than you can say “What Say You, Sammy?” he was out of there.”

“So there I was, wondering what else could go wrong, and Professor Weisdorn starts talking about her act. I'm trying to focus, but I keep getting distracted by this huge trunk she's dragged in with her. There's something thrashing around inside of it. Whatever’s inside, it’s big and it’s *angry*. Then I hear Professor Weisdorn saying something about alligator wrestling.”

“I made the executive decision right there: No animal acts at Pepperjam!”

“Naturally, she wasn’t too happy about that. But hey, after the incident with Lindsay Lockhart and that shark (“Student Involved in Malibu Shark Attack” 11/21/07), I figured the ASPCA already had us on probation, so we had to watch it. At least that’s what I told Professor Weisdorn.”

“There were a couple of other notable acts after that: Professor Carl Gwin was really psyched to show off his chainsaw art demonstration. But he got a little too enthusiastic with the chainsaw. I don’t want to quote numbers, but let’s just say there’s a line item named “repairs” in the Pepperjam budget.

“Professor Williams planned to rip a phone book in half, but as you can imagine, that didn’t work out too well. He was in traction for a week.”

“Doctor Mallinger wanted to do his interpretive dance routine, but I had to shoot that one down too. And for the record it was because the act ran 34 minutes that I had to say no.”

“The leotard had nothing to do with it. Really.”

When questioned about a rumored third tryout by Professor Seaman, Mr. Tanenbaum first tried to deny its occurrence, but eventually became exasperated and ‘fessed up.

“Okay, okay, you got me. Professor Seaman *did* have a third audition, but we’d filled all the slots by then…or so I told him.”

“Look, I’m not too proud of lying to him, but I had to do it! He wanted to do a magic show and one of his tricks was gonna be sawing somebody in half!”

Pepperjam 2009 is scheduled to be held next March. It is strongly recommended that students decline offers by Professsor Seaman to be his 'assistant' in the show, regardless of the amount of extra credit offered.

SCHOLAR ATHLETE!

Matt Kemp (GSBM ’08) certainly had a busy weekend: In addition to working on a finance project, he also drove in three runs for the Dodgers against the Padres. The fact that the game was played in China makes the feat even more impressive. (Editor’s note: I’m not making this up. Check the sports pages.)

As he was out of the country and unavailable for comment, Fly On The Wall tracked down Mr. Kemp’s agent, Jason Faught (GSBM ’08) to learn more details about this most interesting discovery.

“Well, Matt got drafted by the Dodgers back in ’03,” explained Mr. Faught, “but he’s been keeping the whole thing on the down low.”

“Naturally it’s hard to juggle being a Major Leaguer and a full time MBA student. He’s had to cut back his involvement in the finance club, but luckily the professors have been cool about letting him leave early when there’s a night game.”

“Things got a little dicey during the whole insider trading scandal last year (See "Scandal: Insider Trading" 11/27/07). The Dodgers got nervous, and there was talk about Matt being traded. Luckily he was cleared in the end. After all that they wanted him to focus full time on baseball, but Matt wouldn’t give up his dream of being the first full time MBA in the Majors.”

When prodded for a comment about the possibility of Mr. Kemp’s involvement in the Steroid Scandal currently rocking Major League Baseball, Mr. Faught became visibly agitated.

“Steroids? Are you KIDDING me? Just *look* at the guy! Does he look like he’s using steroids??? Gimmie a break!”

Steering the conversation to a less controversial topic, Fly On The Wall then asked Mr. Faught to comment on Matt’s strengths as a ballplayer.

“He’s a five tool player: He might not hit a ton of home runs, but he can still hit for power. He can also run the numbers, field the tough questions, and be a team player when thinking up new strategies. In a pinch, he can also pitch new ideas.”

While chances are good that Mr. Kemp will make the team this season, he is still not guaranteed a spot on the roster after Spring Training.

“Matt understands better than most that it’s a business decision by the club. They might give him a starting position, but they also might option him to the Toledo Mud Hens. So he’s hedging his bets and interviewing with Morgan Stanley and Washington Mutual. He's keeping all his options open.”

Mr. Kemp is expected to be back on campus on Tuesday afternoon. He will be available in the cafeteria between 12:00 and 1:00 to autograph baseball cards.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTENT

The private entity known as Pepgossipboy will be going public this Thursday.

The Initial Pepgossipboy Outing (IPO) will be held at Duke’s from 6-8pm on Thursday March 20th. All are invited to attend.

Pepgossipboy management will be available to discuss historical performance, have a few drinks, and hang out in general.

If you are thinking of attending, please send an email to pepgossipblog@yahoo.com so I have an idea of how many (if any) may attend.

I hope some of you can make it. I'm looking forward to meeting with you.

-Pepgossipboy

CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS!

The transition of power in the GSBM student government was anything but peaceful today, as Presidentita For Life Bre Hayes refused to step down and barricaded herself inside of room P1.

“I laugh at the corrupt election process that dared to try and topple my reign last week!” she announced. “It is all too clear that the people are unfit to vote and I must continue my reign as Presidentita For Life!”

“We really should have seen this coming,” said Dr. Mallinger.

“Bre’s always been a bit out there, but she started getting more and more erratic the last two weeks. You know, all those Presidential Pardons she kept issuing to get out of doing homework and going to classes. “

“But hey, I know all about rank having its privileges, so I let it slide.”

“I think the turning point was that ruckus she raised last Monday about us not having a parade for her on President’s day. She was never quite the same after that.”

“We started finding all these anomalies in the student government budget. Handwritten line items, you know? $3,000 to Zappos, $6,000 to American Eagle, that sort of thing.”

“But the worst was the $60,000 for the Presidential Camaro.”

“I don’t know how I’m gonna explain that one to Dean Livingstone.”

Other students reported similar examples of bizarre behavior by Presidentita For Life Hayes over the last few days.

“I kept seeing her in the bathroom,” recalled Lana Cohen. “Staring at the mirror and mumbling “My fellow Americans” over and over again. Weird.”

“Last night I was getting a coke out of the vending machines,” reported Kaveh Elihu. “Anyway, I hear this loud voice in the cafeteria. I thought it was the TV, but it was Bre.”

“I look in, and she’s waving her arms around and making this crazy speech--to an empty room!”

“She was all over the place: One minute its ‘Friends, Romans and Countrymen’ then it’s all ‘Workers of the world unite!’”

“Next thing you know, she’s babbling about The Great Pumpkin. Dude, it was insane!”

The final evidence that Presidentita Hayes had come completely unglued came early this morning when she stormed P1 and forcibly ejected Professor Paglia and his MBAM614 Finance class. She then declared that P1 would now be known as “Presidentita Palace 1.”

Seeking to defuse the situation, the GSBM administration sent in Negotiation Professor David Torres, who emerged, visibly shaken, after several minutes.

“She’s in for the long haul,” Professor Torres reported. “I saw at least a dozen of boxes of Chocolates, 25 issues of Cosmo, and over 100 pairs of shoes. And she’s prepared to start throwing those shoes too. She means business.”

“Please don’t send me back in there.”

It could not be confirmed at press time whether or not the administration would give in to Presidentita Hayes’ additional demands for a personal parking space, a feather Boa and Nina Tooley’s Pony.

Classes scheduled to be held in room P1 will be moved to L4 for the duration of the crisis.

VOTING FRENZY

As we all know by now, there was a bit of a snag in the first day of voting in the GSBM elections yesterday.

“Oh brother, we had a bunch of problems this year”, an anonymous source told Fly On The Wall. “When we opened up the voting to the second year students there was a computer glitch and we accidentally opened up the voting to *all* of the second year students--all the way back to the class of 1979!”

“But ya know, we were willing to look past this little gaffe. I mean, the more people that vote the more democratic the process, right?”

“For the first few hours we were all patting ourselves on the back: voter turnout was through the roof! But then some quant guy spoiled the party for everyone. Something about the 150,000 ballots received in the first six hours being roughly four times the size of the entire Pepperdine Alumni network. It was pretty obvious some folks had gone Chicago Style on us and were voting early and often.”

“But then came the worst part: we started counting the votes and Sanjaya Malakar was winning!”

“So much for the honor code.”

For those who are not in the know, voting repeatedly, and/or casting proxy votes for pets (dogs, cats, birds, rocks, etc.), friends (real or imaginary), or relatives (living or deceased) is generally frowned upon.

Voting resumes today, and all students of the GSBM are encouraged to re-cast their one vote if they have not already done so.

HAMMERTIME!

With a gleam in his eye, Starbucks Coffee in his veins, and a sledgehammer in his hand, Nick Merriam (GSBM ’08) is warming right up to his new position as VCLL Avenger.

"Ethics are essential today in the business world,” explained Mr. Merriam. “They’re also vital inside and outside of the classroom.”

“Pepperdine has always been all about its ethics code, and now I’m here to make sure it’s enforced!”

Wandering the halls, hammer in hand, Mr. Merriman vows to never waver from his mission to stomp out unethical behavior wherever he finds it.

“Over the past few months Pepperdine has been repeatedly rocked by scandal: Presidential abuses of power, the investment challenge fiasco, the list goes on. Someone had to take a stand.”

“Things are going to change on this campus now that the VCLL Avenger is in town. Just today I wrote up two people for IMing in class and busted Matt Atkinson for not eating his vegetables.”

“I also dropped the hammer on a car that took up two parking places. That’ll show ‘em!”

When asked what was number one on his hit list, Mr. Merriam scowled and snarled.

“Gossip! I hate it! Mostly because I’m never a part of it, but that’s beside the point. Untruth has no place at Pepperdine! Just the other day I caught Alana Turhoff dishing false information about Jason Faught’s mysterious girlfriend, saying she was some young tall thing.”

“Well, let me tell you, I set things right! I did some digging and can state for a fact that Jason’s girlfriend is *over* 18 and *under* 4 foot 6!”

“Like they say, sunshine is the best disinfectant!”

(When approached for a rebuttal to these allegations, Mr. Faught began blushing furiously and refused to comment.)

Mr. Merriman acknowledges that he has his work cut out for him in the next several weeks.

"The VCLL Avenger has a lot of things to set right before graduation: Talking in class, eating in the library, and the big problem of mattress tags being removed in the dormitories.”

When asked how he will find time to complete these daunting tasks, he chuckled and winked before replying.

“Well, let’s just say that after The Avenger alleged some unethical behavior by certain members of the Administration, he doesn’t have to take any more classes! Woo hoo! It’s all about working the system!”

Mr. Merriman is currently accepting anonymous tips via email.

PUBLIC NOTICE

As discussed in Tuesday’s Candidate Q&A Forum in L1, students are advised to be on the lookout for the nefarious character operating under the alias of “Pepgossipboy”. Reported to be a student, this individual is armed with a wit that has been called sharp by some, and quite dull by others. A habitual offender, he is alleged to have engaged in a rampage of repeated acts of satire and random humor for the past three months.

While it is not known for certain what started him on this path that has wrought unspeakable shame, despair and misery upon the GSBM, experts believe this writing mania was brought on by the severe trauma that arose from his exposure to a stupendously poorly written GSBM gossip blog late last year. Appalled by the banality, boorishness and plain old bad writing (purportedly by a graduate student), he felt he had no choice but to write his own blog in a twisted attempt to restore the dignity of the GSBM and send the message that some students still know how to write.

While the suspect may have been operating under the misguided belief that he was being humorous, the reactions of several candidates in L1 make it clear that funny behavior should be strictly curtailed in the future and similar instances of free speech must be severely punished. Failure to do so will certainly lead to the downfall of Western civilization and undoubtedly cause Pepperdine to be dragged down much in the same way that Harvard was ruined by the Harvard Lampoon.

Hats off to the brave candidates who have made this stance a main pillar to their platforms!

Should students encounter any material written by the suspect, under no circumstances should it be read, discussed, or (heavens forbid) laughed at in any way, shape or form.

It is strongly advised that students redouble their efforts to take themselves much too seriously in order to survive this difficult time.

It is unknown at this time which candidate the suspect will be voting for.

CLASSIC MIKE

The beard is gone, the hair is tousled, and that familiar wild look has returned to his eyes.

That’s right, after a spectacularly unsuccessful rebranding campaign, Classic Mike Tanenbaum is back!



“In doing the market research, focus groups were not told that New Mike ("What's News", 1/8/08) would permanently be replacing Classic Mike,” said newly hired publicist Emalie Brogch.

“While research indicated the market would embrace New Mike, we quickly discovered that Corporate America was not at all fond of the new look.”

“More importantly, the vital 24-36 year old female demographic was also less than thrilled with the look of New Mike and demanded a return to the status quo.”

“His mother was never too hot on the idea either.”

Ms. Brgoch laughed at accusations that the entire New Mike/Classic Mike campaign was merely a clever marketing ploy to enhance the Michael Tanenbaum brand.

“Oh come on! He’s not smart or stupid enough to pull off a stunt like that!”

Mr. Tanenbaum was unavailable for comment.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME!

In response to numerous complaints about the volume of the TV in the GSBM cafeteria, management has announced that it will be making changes.

“Starting tomorrow, things are going to change,” said a food services employee. “We’re turning the volume up—way up!!!”

"We’ve been hearing that students in U3 can’t hear CNN, so we’re gonna fix that in a BIG way! We’re installing a wall of 4000 watt Wharfedale speakers tonight. It’s gonna be so loud it’ll cook food!”

“This is gonna be awesome!”

Bookstore manager John Kingsbury was also excited by the news.

“This is great news. The old volume level had students buying slates and chalk to communicate in the cafeteria. Earplug sales were already brisk, but this is going to send ‘em through the roof!”

Rumors that the GSBM will be offering crash courses in Morse Code and sign language could not be confirmed at press time.

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY

While most of us are still hunting for jobs, it looks like Lisa Atia has hit the jackpot with Starbucks!

“I’ve been thinking about getting Starbucks on campus for a while,” she explains, “but I figured I had to do something different than just selling coffee. You know, something with a twist to bring it to the next level. Then it hit me: Why not have it delivered?”

“Starbucks was falling all over itself to get on campus, and when Pepperdine saw the cash flow projections, well, they couldn’t sign fast enough.”

When asked to detail her plan, Ms. Atia explained the following.

“Anyone can open a coffee stand and sell coffee, but the big difference here is that I’m using technology to have fresh brewed coffee delivered to students in class! Students can order via email, IM or SMS, and within minutes one of my runners will be bringing hot coffee to their desks!”

“It’s going to be a totally integrated plan: online classroom seating charts to ensure accurate delivery, live video streaming to watch your coffee being made, and billing going directly to your Pepperdine account.”

“Some professors objected to the plan at first. They started warming to it when I told them it would mean fewer students sleeping in class. But what really sold them was the incentive plan: Free coffee and pound cake for every 5 drinks delivered to their classroom. You should have seen their eyes light up! After that, they all jumped on board.”

The service is scheduled to begin next month and Ms. Atia is accepting job applications until the end of the week.

VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Vanessa Towning has announced that she will be starting a GSBM speed dating service.

“It’s basically a spin off of the ‘dinner with strangers’ series,” she explained. “I’d been thinking about it for a while, but I didn’t have the time.”

With the closing of her hotel of ill repute earlier this week, however, (“Scandal: Bad Behavior In Real Estate,” 2/12/08) Ms. Towning suddenly found she had plenty of time to pursue the project.

“The closing of the Atlantic Avenue property was a most unfortunate occurrence,” admitted Ms. Towning. “But rather than dwell on it, I saw it as an opportunity for me to focus on the speed dating project and other endeavors.”

When asked where the event would take place, Ms. Towning offered the following:

“Well, in my book, having it on campus really wasn’t an option. It’s the wrong environment. It would be too awkward, and the whole adult beverage situation would be…shall we say…lacking in certain areas.”

Then, smiling broadly, she continued:

“With this in mind, I’m holding the event at the grand opening of the newest nightclub in Malibu: V-Town!”

“Located just off of PCH, V-Town promises to be the hottest spot in town to unwind, relax, and meet people. Offering a full bar, great music, and valet parking, V-Town is *the* place to go in Malibu to see and be seen!”

“And there’s also a VIP room…”

The grand opening/speed dating event takes place Thursday, February 14th. Doors open at 8.

COURSE CHANGES

Please note the following additions to the upcoming B Session.

MBAM 638.15 Advanced Financial Modeling. The class will be divided into two sections. Group A will work on building and painting detailed scale replicas of planes, boats and cars. Creating realistic miniature landscapes in HO and N scale are also on the agenda. Group B will be doing print ads, still life, headshots, and runway. Final projects will have real world relevance. To receive credit, students in Group A must successfully sell their completed models on EBay and students in Group B must sign employment contracts.

MBAM 698.75 Managing in Toxic Work Environments. Lecture seminars to be hosted by speakers from (but not limited to) Du Pont, Dow Chemical, Exxon and the EPA. Weekly field trips to various chemical processing plants and Superfund sites.

MBAM 683.61 Advanced Negotiations. Find out how to get your way in almost every situation! Students will learn the secrets of the brass knuckle heavy handshake, lead pipe leverage, and assorted martial arts. Various readings from the Brutalist school of negotiation will be discussed.

MBAM 625.49 High Risk/High Reward Investing. Strategies to be discussed include junk bond investing, derivative trading, blackjack and roulette. Card counting, horse race handicapping and sports book management will also be examined in detail.

MBAM 655.14 Change Management: How much is in your pocket right now?
Topics to be discussed include the following:
Quarters: Laundry and Parking.
Dimes: Who is that guy on the front anyway?
Pennies: Sound like you’re loaded for cents on the dollar!

MBAM 646.37 Guerilla Marketing Tactics. Course covers the history of guerilla marketing warfare as well as the latest tactics and strategies. Considerable time will be spent teaching students how to use GSBM guerilla marketing weapons such as the Malibu Cocktail, Pepperdine Spray, and OB Sleeping Spells.

MOVIE REVIEWS

With busy class schedules, homework, group meetings, and everything else that goes into getting a Pepperdine MBA, who has time to go see movies? That’s right, nobody! Fly On The Wall is no exception, but decided to try writing some movie reviews anyway!

Instead of actually seeing the movie, we figured it’d be more fun to try something different. We dug through our OB toolbox and decided to look through the ‘lens’ (Hey, remember that one?) of an MBA student who only had the title of the film to go by.

Let’s see how we did!

Rambo: Post heroic leadership once again prevails over the rigid and corrupt institutional organization known as the Burmese Army.

27 Dresses: A triumph of Capitalism and consumer choice (27 Dresses!) ruined by an egregious example of materialistic behavior run amuck. (27 Dresses??? Come on! What is she going to do with all of them?)

No Country For Old Men: An examination of the US Social Security system and poor retirement planning.

Meet The Spartans: People used to getting by with less. Probably the product of a planned market economy.

Cloverfield: A little rezoning, and it’ll be a shopping mall.

See you at the movies!

COOKIE MONSTER

It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, and we all know what that means: Time to stock up on cookies while helping a good cause!

“Many successful businesswomen got their starts by selling Girl Scout cookies, and I count myself as one of them,” says Nina Tooley (GSBM ’08).

“I saw some Scouts selling cookies at Ralph’s the other day and thought ‘Hey, with everything I’ve learned at Pepperdine, I can do that again…and this time I can do it better!’”

“So I walked up and offered them a partnership deal. It’s a hybrid pyramid structure. Sort of a mix between Amway and the business model used by Colombian drug lords.”

“Hey, I’m twice their age and twice their size, like they’re gonna say no? From now on they were working for *me*!”

“First I had them all sign a heavily incentivized contract. Lots of big quotas in there to keep them motivated and selling. Then I gave ‘em a couple of lessons on high pressure sales and turned ‘em loose. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!”

“After that it was off to the races: I was making partnership deals in every shopping center and these kids were selling cookies like their hair was on fire. I cornered the Malibu market by the end of the first day, and had half of Santa Monica covered by the next.”

Although her rise from grad student to the Tony Montana of Thin Mints has been rapid, Mrs. Tooley maintains that she has not lost sight of the fundamentals.

“While I control the Malibu market, I still have to defend against encroachment by competitors. Last week there were some scouts from Calabasas on campus. What a headache: Security was on break, so there were no barriers to entry. Then they started competing on price. I was looking at a nasty price war ‘till I called the truant officer.”

Still, the market continues to evolve, necessitating quick and sometimes unorthodox solutions.

“Case in point: that guerilla action by the pack of Brownies the other day. A tenured professor snuck them in. They swarmed the lower campus and we were losing market share in a big way. There were crumbs everywhere.”

“They were marching up John Tyler Drive and getting ready to storm upper campus. Traditional defender and flanker strategies weren’t working. Then I remembered the lessons in counter-guerilla marketing class. You know, the whole thing about hitting back with something totally unexpected.”

“So I told ‘em the truth about Santa Claus! Hah! Problem solved!”

When asked about how she stays motivated, Mrs. Tooley offered the following.

“It’s all about the rewards that come from achieving goals that keeps me going. The more cookies I sell, the more prizes I get!"

"First it was the beach towel: I had to sell 500 cases to get it. That took me all of four hours. But as soon as I got the towel, I wanted more. So I focused on the hat with the glitter on it. I had to sell 2000 cases there, so it took a bit longer.”

“My next goal is the Green Sash with the gold stars. I need to sell another 10,000, but I’m almost there. I’ve got my troops going door to door at the faculty apartments as we speak. I’m gonna get that sash.”

When asked what her ultimate goal was, Cookie Kingpin Tooley immediately burst from her chair, danced around the room, and began shrieking at the top of her lungs.

“A Pony! A Pony!!! Another 250,000 cases and I get a Pony!”

Cookies remain on sale until the end of this month.

ANNOUNCEMENT

Effective immediately, the use of pyrotechnic devices in group presentations is now strictly forbidden.

This announcement comes as a result of an unfortunate equipment malfunction during Sergiy Lyakh’s (GSBM ’08) presentation: “Google: Explosive growth!”

The explosion severely damaged classroom U3 along with several cars in Lot T.

The extent to which the explosion damaged Mr. Lyakh’s grade remains unknown.

THE WEISDORN CHRONICLES

AT HOME ON THE RANGE

Professor Gia Weisdorn is back in the news again!

It looks like Professor Weisdorn took advantage of the holiday weekend last week and took a trip out of town. According to sources, Professor Weisdorn was spotted in southern Arizona at the Wild Cat Ranch, where she was able to participate in her favorite activity out on the range: herding cats!

“Oh yah, she was here all right!” said ranch owner Ken Philby. “She’s a legend! One of the best cat rustlers I’ve ever seen. You’d think cats are unmanageable, but she has a way about her…she just give them this *stare*…know what I mean? Boom, they’d fall right into line.”

“Bunch of years ago she made it to Nationals. They’re still talking about the time ‘What Say You Weisdorn’ roped four longhairs and a kitten in under 10 seconds. It’s still a record.”

“There was talk of her going on the Pro Circuit. I’m telling ya, she would have made it too--she just loves cats.”

When asked what derailed Professor Weisdorn’s promising career in shepherding felines, Mr. Philby let out a deep sigh before continuing:

“No one’s really sure what happened. There were all sorts of rumors. Someone said she got scratched real bad, but I don’t believe that. Another story was she started her own ranch, but it went to the dogs. Other people said she had legal issues.”

“All I know for sure is one day she traded in her pickup for a Porsche and said she was headed West. That was the last we saw of her in these parts.”

“Personally, I think it was a romance with a cowboy with a cat allergy.”

CAREER FAIRE

By all accounts, last weekend’s Renaissance Career Faire, sponsored by GTO, was a resounding success.

“I was a bit surprised at first,” said Roni Halavi (GSBM ’08). “I felt a bit out of place in business formal when the dress code was more something out of the late Elizabethan period.”

“Everyone was cool about it, but next time I’m definitely wearing my Cape and Jerkin”

“I came in looking for something in human resources,” said Fatemeh Razavi, (GSBM ’08). “But after interviewing with the folks at Gallup, I’m thinking more about becoming a Druid.”

“I was more prepared than most of the people there,” said Matt Abrams (GSBM ’08). “I always keep a broadsword in the trunk of my car along with my favorite battle axe. I know that got me big points with Kaiser Permanente. They’re big on edged weapons.”

Victor Yu (GSBM ’08) could not be reached for comment, but eyewitnesses reported he was seen “in deep conversation” with several wenches.

“I spent most of the morning at the chain mail workshop,” says Misa Hiroki (GSBM ’08), “but every time I looked up, Victor was with a different wench. It’s like they thought he was a prince or something. I don’t get it.”

“Last I saw, he was leaving with the one in the green frock and the bonnet,” added Alp Aras (GSBM ’08). “I think she was the one from the IRS. He was saying something about going to his castle. I don’t wanna know what happened after that.”

The biggest story of the day, however, was about Jared Weidenbaum and his numerous job offers.

“It was really a stroke of luck. I mentioned that I played the lute, and before I knew it *everyone* wanted to talk to me. I was being wined and dined like there was no tomorrow: Every time I turned around some guy in a Henry the Eighth costume was handing me a drumstick or another goblet of mead.”

“Before the Faire, I was thinking about becoming a financial analyst, but now I’m convinced I have more career opportunities as a court jester!"

The next Career Faire is scheduled for January 2009.

BEAR'S MARKET

Just when we were getting used to the idea of one rock star among the faculty (‘Rock Star of The Stats Department’, 12/2/07), details have emerged about another musical maestro in our midst!

In an exclusive interview, Professor Ed Fredericks has revealed that he has his own band called The Grateful Ed!

“The band was born up in Topanga Canyon,” he explained. “Sort of a counterculture thing. We don’t have any one set style. It’s more of a mix: A bit of sub prime blues mixed in with a little precious metal and whatever else the market will bear.”

“Overall, I’d say the band is best described as a bluegrass/greenback fusion.”

“Our eclectic style along with some old fashioned business sense has built us quite a fan base. It’s kinda crazy. Whenever we go on the road we can count on a caravan of Edheads following us around: full-time students, alumni, even some FEMBAS. It’s like one big party.”

“Each show is different. There are all sorts of external factors we have to think about and you can’t predict what is going to happen based on past performances. We’re lucky because we have a diverse portfolio. We can vary the play set depending on what the crowd wants: Older folks tend to favor T-Bars, while the younger kids are more into aggressive stock tunes.”

“It’s all about appreciation, steady rates of return, and keeping the interest level high.”

In addition to the guitar, Professor Fredericks lists the harmonica and Structured Investment Vehicles as his favorite instruments.

“Yeah, I like all three. But to be honest, the SIV was more of a passing fancy. I mean, it seemed like fun at first and everyone was into it, but it’s a very complex and unpredictable instrument. I blew a lot of cash trying to master that thing.”

Professor Fredericks is currently finishing up his latest album 'Workingman’s Ed', which should be available by the beginning of the B session. Copies will be available on “very attractively priced” CD’s.

The Ed will also be releasing two retrospective pieces later this summer. Titled ‘Take it to the Vault’ and ‘Gonna need Two Vaults!’, the compilations are said to include the hits 'Bankin’ and 'Uncle Sam’s Band'.

Professor Fredericks is available in room 354 from 2:00-4:00 on Thursdays to discuss investing and trade bootleg recordings.

ON STAGE SEQUEL

Not ones to be outdone, or let the faculty have all the fun, (“’Tis The Season’, 12/7/07) the GSBM student body has announced that they are rehearsing for a theatrical performance of their own.

“It took a while to decide,” said director Jared Weidenbaum (GSBM ’08). “There were so many possibilities: Phantom of The Opera, Death of a Salesman, a musical adaptation of Wall Street…the list goes on. We finally picked The Wizard of Oz. Okay, it’s not normally done as a play, but the way so many students fit the characters, well, we had to do it!”

“Liz Pasaretti will be playing the part of Dorothy. Although lots of students tried out for the part, she was the only one who was able to say “there’s no place like home” without screwing it up. It was amazing: everyone else was launching into their elevator pitches or just getting it flat out wrong, but Liz nailed it. She was able to do it with her eyes closed *and* while clicking her heels together. She was perfect.”

“Ok, it also helped that she was the only one whose feet fit in the ruby slippers. We’re on a budget and couldn’t afford to spring for new props.”

“Emalie Brgoch had a bit of trouble getting into the character of The Good Witch at first. But after we re-imagined the role as more of a mentorship position, she took right to it.”

“Jason Faught’s fantastic 'I am Jason, hear me roar' monologue cinched the part of the Lion, and Keith Eshelman’s stiff acting during auditions won him the part of the Tin Man.”

“Michael Tannenbaum was an easy pick for the part of the Wizard: A mysterious guy throwing switches behind the scenes…I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer. With his fingers in so many pies, no one’s really sure what he’s up to.”

“I also figure that by throwing him a bone like this he’ll give me and my lute routine a spot in the talent show.”

“Rajan Karla promised to grow his hair out for the part of Toto, and Brighton Keck really had no competition for the role of the Scarecrow. Besides, he was the only one who fit in the costume."

"Man, what I wouldn’t give for a bigger budget.”

“For the Wicked Witch, well, it was tough choosing who I wanted to drop a house on. There were a lot of candidates, but Jessica Jekkyl won out in the end.”

The performance is scheduled for February 8th. Please contact Carrie Gilchrist for tickets.

EPIC CLASS PREPARATION

Now we know why Professor Seaman had to cancel class earlier this week.

SYLLABUS CHANGE

Given the current Writers’ Strike, significant changes have been made to the Business Writing (MBAM 574) class.

“Changing times call for changing strategies”, says Professor Frances Grimes. “With the strike in full force there’s a big business opportunity for selling scripts on spec. So we’re moving away from dry business prose and APA standards and focusing more on screenplays and sitcom concepts.”

Students are enthusiastic about the changes.

“Dude, class is way more interesting now”, says Matt Abrams. “I’m working on an accounting comedy that’s totally gonna be the next Seinfeld.”

“I’ve unlocked my passion for writing financial dramas”, said Joy Kao. “I’m working on one about a recently graduated group of young MBA’s working together in a consulting firm. I don’t want to give too much away, but for now I’m calling it “Gray’s MBA.”

Other works-in-progress include a marketing action/adventure by Nicholas Merriam and a reality concept being penned by Alana Turhoff.

“Some people are discounting the reality venue as tired and worn out”, explained Alana. “But the real problem is the lack of new and interesting reality topics. I’ve done a market analysis and come up with a reality concept no one has tried yet, and it’s a winner. Basically I’m going to research failing businesses and be there when the hammer falls. I’m calling the show ‘Bankruptcy: The Ultimate Reality.’”

“If it works out, I’m thinking of doing a spin off called ‘Foreclosure’.”

Professor Grimes couldn’t be more pleased with her students’ progress.

“They’re doing so well! I mean, it was rough at first, getting them all to submit material in Word rather than Excel or PowerPoint, and then there were a few who got hung up on game show concepts, but all in all, the content they have been creating is top notch.”

“Whenever the strike ends, I’m sure we’ll be seeing lots of these shows on TV. Professor Gia Weisdorn is coming in next week to go over studio contracts with us.”

While the class is currently full, there are still spaces available for the B session.

UPCOMING EVENTS

In cooperation with the office of the Registrar, Fly On The Wall has obtained a preliminary schedule for the upcoming Magill Symposium on Friday, February 29th.

8:30-9:00 am. Light refreshments.

9:00-9:15 Greeting and Welcome by Dr. Mallinger.

9:15-10:00 “How to look awake and attentive in a boring meeting.”

10:00-11:00 Panel Discussion: “What to do next: Get a job, dummy!”

11:00-12:00 Breakout Sessions:

“Moving back in with mom & dad: You can go back home again!” (P1)

“Living in your car. The next best option.” (L1)

“Law School: Ahh, why not?” (U2)

12:00-1:00 Lunch

Light snacks and refreshments. Location: Courtyard outside cafeteria.

Better food and stronger drinks. Location: Duke’s.

1:00-3:00 Workshops

Finance Workshop:

1:00-2:00 “Creative methods for raising personal capital from friends, long lost relatives and other non-immediate family members.”

2:00-3:00 “Credit card juggling: Taking it to the next level.”

Accounting Workshop:

1:00-2:00 “Loan payment deferment for MBA’s: Six months is just the beginning!”

2:00-3:00 “Qualifying for federal financial assistance programs.”

Marketing Workshop:

2:00-4:00 Rebranding case competition.

An exciting chance to develop a business plan to breathe life into the longtime stigmatized staple, Lard. Teams will compete against the clock and each other to create a positive and dynamic rebranding strategy to reinvigorate Lard sales. Winning proposals must include a viral marketing campaign, an online component and the development of a line of Lard branded merchandise.

1st prize: 10 pounds of Lard.
2nd prize: 20 pounds of Lard
3rd prize: Dinner with Adam Trotter

OB Workshop:

1:00-2:00 “Advanced Scrapbooking”

2:00-3:00 “Storytime and S’mores.”

Wrap Up Session:

4:00-??? “Reflection, discussion and inebriation.” Location: Moonshadows

BUSINESS HAIKU, VOL. 2

We justify life
In easily ordered steps
Earning each dollar


Rightsize your business
Says expensive consultant
Fire them all now


We no longer need
The services of you sir
Pack your desk quickly


To sell you cheap toys
We send off your livelihood
Straight to India


If you’ve read the books
You know your heart mind and soul
Are commodities


Bottom line worship
Cost cutting, our religion
Cold cash is our king


Matched by employer
Tuck security away
My 401k

CONTINUED CORRUPTION!

Well, it looks like Presidentita For Life Bre Hayes is picking up in '08 right where she left off. It appears that her plan to replace the statue of George Graziadio ("Scandal: Abuse of Power", 11/16/07) is one step closer to reality!

Carved from white Italian marble and standing 12 feet high, the statute is scheduled to be installed early next week during a 4 hour dedication ceremony.

Attendance is mandatory, and business formal attire is strongly encouraged.

Welcome Back!

After taking some time off, Fly On The Wall is back and hoping you have all had an enjoyable break. Special thanks to all of my anonymous sources last term. I'm looking forward to hearing more from (and about) all of you in the next few months.

You never quite know what will happen next here at the GSBM, but rest assured when something happens, you'll read about it here first!

-Pepgossipboy